Closet Gems: God's Mercy is longer than my Memory

Jewels of Faith for Women Breaking Chains

Hey Sis — today’s gems 💎are going all the way in. I’m talking deep introspection, laughter, tears…and God’s kind of freedom.

We’ve all heard the statistics about childhood hurt — and listen: many women can relate to this because so much of the world has been touched by trauma, pain, or betrayal in early life. Some studies show that a significant number of girls experience abuse or mistreatment before adulthood, and that most of those survivors never tell anyone at the time.

And here’s the kicker: when that pain gets locked inside, it often shows up later as something seemingly unrelated — like over-eating, depression, promiscuity, addiction, anxiety around people, or that overly-polished “everything’s fine” smile.

Raise your hand if you know exactly what I’m talking about! 🙋🏽‍♀️

Sis, pull up a chair — and maybe a snack!

Did you take your power back and raise your hand if this speaks to your past?

Well this post is about power — not the loud kind, not the hustle‑until‑you‑collapse kind, but the quiet, surrendered, God‑given power that shows up when we stop hiding and start trusting.

My Smile was My Mask: Taking Back Your Power

This may sound weird, but I started practicing my smile in the mirror as a child — I think I was around 7 or 8 years old. Not because I was vain. Not because I was confident. Not because I liked to smile.

But because I was hurting.

It became my armor. Because I hurt. Because I was too vulnerable to use my words, and I learned early that if I just smiled enough, people would think I was okay.

If you’ve ever perfected a smile to hide how broken you felt… Sis, this post is for you!

Why does that matter? Because when we smile to cover pain instead of let grace heal pain… we end up showing the world’s version of us instead of God’s version.

And y’all, the enemy loves that.

He whispers: “You’re not enough.” “You aren't where you are supposed to be in life." You are too this or too that."

But those are lies. 💎

“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”  — Hebrews 4:16

That scripture says it all. Grace doesn’t just visit for a moment — God's grace is a relationship!

But I didn't know that scripture growing up so that coping strategy followed me into adulthood.

And I believe that hiding behind a smile is connected to the anxiety I sometimes feel around people — because when you’re afraid to be seen as you are, broken, sad, hurt; connection feels unsafe.

But Sis… I’m taking my power back.

Where Your Hurt Met God’s Grace

Let me get honest with you — from childhood through adulthood, I subconsciously built a version of me that looked good, but hid what was true.

I was a latch-key kid. Does anyone else remember that term? Living as a latch-key kid I learned self-reliance early, I think too early. I had my house key pinned to the inside of my school uniform at the age of 6. I became emotionally independent before I was ready for the emotions I held. I learned how to handle things on my own without asking for help. I often felt unprotected and unseen even though I had a hard-working single mom who did her best — shaped me. I know she gave all she had, but I felt alone sometimes.

I was high-functioning, responsible, strong on the exterior and smiling the entire way through! A lot of times I hid what I needed emotionally, minimized my pain and pushed through instead of getting the help I needed. I took care of myself when I should have been cared for.

And here’s the grace part 💎

God sees that child.

He knows what we carried alone.

And now — as an adult walking with Him — we get to relearn safety, support, and rest.

And Sis, that’s not weakness.

That’s healing!

Because that sense of “I’ve gotta handle this myself” started young. That’s not God’s design — that’s fear in disguise.

But God…

Sis, listen…God sees what remained after the hurt.💎

I started to realize the enemy wasn’t even attacking me — he was lying to me about who I was.

And I was buying it!

God told Adam and Eve they had dominion — but the serpent talked them out of trusting Him. Sound familiar? I had been trusting the serpent’s commentary in my head more than God’s Word about me.

Sis… that stops today.

Community, Prayer, and a Holy Spirit Interruption

The enemy wants you isolated. He wants you to hide. But through a connect group at church, I built a real friendship with a new friend, Twanna — a woman whose faith feels safe.

This past weekend she called, and Holy Spirit led the conversation straight into honesty. I shared about my anxiety. She didn’t judge me. She didn’t rush me. She listened. Then she prayed —A Scripture‑filled, Spirit‑led, targeted prayer....for me. I prayed in the Spirit as she prayed over me, and I felt chains loosening.

That’s what happens when truth meets grace. Prayer and Praise — loud, authentic, messy — and God met us there. 💎

Power began shifting from the enemy into me. I told her right then and there I needed to share this with our community!

This is our community Sis! A place where I'm sharing my faith journey in order to invite God in!

Owning the Past Without Living in It

I want to be honest without being sensational.

Because of the way I grew up, I rebelled. That rebellion led me into choices that were self-centered and self-destructive — choices I’ve had to look at clearly, take responsibility for, and bring before God in repentance. I’ve apologized. I’ve acknowledged where I went off course. I’ve done the work of truth.

But here’s what I’m learning as an adult...

It can be harder to accept God’s mercy than it is to admit our mistakes. 💎

When you’ve spent years replaying your past, judging yourself, feeling guilty towards your kids and overcompensating to try to repair brokenness and condemning yourself, mercy can feel… unfamiliar. Almost uncomfortable. Like something you don’t quite deserve.

But self-condemnation is not repentance. 💎

Repentance turns us toward God.💎 Condemnation keeps us stuck looking at ourselves.💎

And I realized something important: If God has forgiven me, but I continue to punish myself, I am not being humble — I am being unbelieving.💎

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” — 1 John 1:9

God’s forgiveness isn’t partial. His mercy isn’t hesitant. And His grace isn’t waiting for me to feel “worthy” enough to receive it. Reliving my past does not make me more responsible. 💎

Judging myself does not make me more holy. It just keeps me from walking in the freedom God already gave me.💎

So I’m learning to stop arguing with mercy. To stop rehearsing what God has released. To stop condemning what Christ has already redeemed. Grace is not God overlooking my past. Grace is God redeeming it. And mercy is Him saying, “I’ve already handled that — now come walk with Me.”💎

God’s mercy isn’t a moment.

It’s a relationship with Jesus. And when our gaze is fixed on Him — not the replay of our past — grace becomes tangible.💎

When I pray:

“Lord, You already know my past — the choices, the seasons I mishandled, the ways I fell short…”

I then say this with confidence:

“I release my right to punish myself for what You’ve already forgiven.”💎

That’s not easy. But that’s grace.

When My Big Faith Plan Met My Actual Body 😅

Let me confess...

My last Closet Gems post was about me committing to 21 straight days of filming and posting on YouTube.

Y’all. That plan was… ambitious.

A few nights I was up until 2:00 a.m. trying to get a video uploaded and back up at 5:00 a.m for a prayer call. I did that a few nights that week, and at some point my body was like,

“Ma’am. Be for real.”

I think I made it five days.

And then my body shut it all the way down. That wasn’t failure. That was a revelation.

I realize I was slipping back into an old pattern: showing up inauthentically. Smiling through exhaustion. Acting like nothing was wrong. Trying to prove something instead of honoring where I actually was.

So here’s my new challenge: one video a week this year.

And if you don’t see a new video? It’s not because I failed. It’s because I’m learning.

Sometimes the path changes — and God, in His humor, is probably looking at me like:

“She is so funny. Bless her heart.” 😂

But He knows my heart — and I’m walking this journey out loud, praying for you and standing with you on God’s Word too, Sis.

Compassion: The God I’m Discovering in Isaiah

Reading Isaiah has completely changed how I see God.

I’m learning that God doesn’t just correct — He grieves.

That blows my mind.

Scripture shows His compassion again and again:

💎 Hagar — a woman cast aside, seen and named by God (Genesis 16) 💎 Hannah — misunderstood, weeping, yet heard (1 Samuel 1) 💎 The woman bent over — healed and called “daughter” (Luke 13) 💎 The remnant — God restoring what remains (Isaiah)

God stays. God restores. God renews.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” — Psalm 34:18

Taking My Smile Back (With a Laugh 😄)

So when people compliment my smile now?

I say, “Thank you.” From the bottom of my heart. Because God gave me this smile. And in my heart, I know it’s Him smiling through me.

Now…here's the question y'all... should I get Invisalign and straighten it out? 😂

Lord, it’s good — but could it be GREAT? We’ll see. Those things are expensive, I hear. But either way — I’m smiling free now.

Growth Challenge 🌱

Sis, this week:

1. Release one unrealistic expectation you placed on yourself.

2. Name one place you’ve been hiding — and invite God there.

3. Speak this daily:

   
   

God restores from what remains.

I release my past.

I receive Your grace.

I look to my Maker.

This is enough for today.

With love, laughter, and grace,

Kiya 💗